J is for Joy

We took a trip this weekend that wasn't the most fun or the most relaxing for any of us. I won't go into the details, but we saw an increase in behaviors from Squish and I don't blame him. I had an increase in behaviors too...mostly sighing and grumping about how this trip was kinda a pain in the tushy.

Anyway, let's get to the joy part. During the trip I had this, my first, conversation with Squish:

Squish: Mama?
Me: Yes baby?
Squish (with eye contact and a smile): HI!
Me (swooping up the Squish for lots of hugs and kisses): Hi baby! Hi baby!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!

I is for Inspired

Hooray! It's sunny AGAIN here in Northern California. I can't tell you the good impact it is having on my mindset. Thanks to those of you who commented on the last entry. It makes me feel a little better to know that we are more or less in the same boat (we all have guilt...just placed differently).

So I is for Inspired. I'm inspired by the great weather, I'm inspired by the prospect of spring flowers and being outside and barbeques. I'm also inspired by Squish and his recent and amazing leaps. He is talking so much more...and a lot of it is commenting (Yummy! Hooray! I sad!) -- sure, some of it comes from repeating what he has heard on his Bob the Builder tapes, but it is always in the right context, so I'm 'counting' it as meaningful communication.

He also LOVES preschool. Last night, we went for a walk through the neighborhood and passed the school. I asked Squish if he wanted to show Grandma his classroom (my Mom comes once a week now to visit...I'm telling you, things are looking up!) and he ran to her, grabbed her hand, and starting pulling her towards his room. When we got there he grabbed the locked door handle, looked and me and Grandma and said "Bye-bye." So yeah, I think he likes his class just a little bit! ;)

Squish, after some "regression" has started "percolating" again...lots of neat stuff starting to bubble up. Spring has sprung!

Wishing you all spring sunshine and flowers!
:)md

H is for Healing

So we are enjoying a somewhat mild weekend here in Northern California. Was about 65 degrees and sunny today. Squish went to a birthday party with the Hubs and Squish #2 went to a birthday party with me. Such is the life with two little ones! We all ended up having a great time, albeit at different parties. :)

This coming week we'll meet with Squish's new immunologist. We are going to discuss changing and enhancing his supplement schedules. And while Squish has never previously tested positive for any food allergies or sensitivities, we are still actively working on a rotation diet and monitoring his yeast levels. It's all about healing his little insides so that he can focus on kicking butt in ABA and preschool. :)

Speaking of healing, I've been doing some too. My heart is healing. I finally realized that this week when I was playing with the boys and I felt light and hopeful and happy. I'm not saying that I haven't felt those things over the past year, because I have. But it was the combination and the intensity that made it different. I've been carrying around a deep, deep guilt that nobody in my real life, not even the Hubs, understands. It's a mostly irrational guilt that somewhere, somehow, Squish's autism is my fault. Either because of my genetics, or my amalgam fillings, or when I tripped and fell when I was 8 months pregnant, or because he got vaccinated...the list goes on and on. And it's a heavy, heavy burden.

But the burden is lifting and I'm not sure why. I've been in therapy, I've been on medication, I've been talking about it, I've been to support groups, and while they were all great and they absolutely help, they didn't do much to touch the guilt. But somehow, it's lifting. And I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.

G is for Great

Squish started preschool today. Do I even need to say that I cried when we dropped him off? I think it was the quick "Bye" from Squish as he ran to the toy area that did me in. :)

We just went to pick him up and his teacher said, "Squish did great! Great with transitions, great with the sensory activities, great with clean-up!" She said there were a lot of happy surprises about Squish's behavior and performance on his first day. And do I even need to say that I almost died from the cuteness that is Squish in his raincoat with his backpack on, smile on his face, waiting with his teacher at the pick-up area for Mommy? Yeah, almost died.

So instead of the original post I wrote about guilt, I'm posting this one. 'Cause it's been a great day. :)

md