H is for Healing

So we are enjoying a somewhat mild weekend here in Northern California. Was about 65 degrees and sunny today. Squish went to a birthday party with the Hubs and Squish #2 went to a birthday party with me. Such is the life with two little ones! We all ended up having a great time, albeit at different parties. :)

This coming week we'll meet with Squish's new immunologist. We are going to discuss changing and enhancing his supplement schedules. And while Squish has never previously tested positive for any food allergies or sensitivities, we are still actively working on a rotation diet and monitoring his yeast levels. It's all about healing his little insides so that he can focus on kicking butt in ABA and preschool. :)

Speaking of healing, I've been doing some too. My heart is healing. I finally realized that this week when I was playing with the boys and I felt light and hopeful and happy. I'm not saying that I haven't felt those things over the past year, because I have. But it was the combination and the intensity that made it different. I've been carrying around a deep, deep guilt that nobody in my real life, not even the Hubs, understands. It's a mostly irrational guilt that somewhere, somehow, Squish's autism is my fault. Either because of my genetics, or my amalgam fillings, or when I tripped and fell when I was 8 months pregnant, or because he got vaccinated...the list goes on and on. And it's a heavy, heavy burden.

But the burden is lifting and I'm not sure why. I've been in therapy, I've been on medication, I've been talking about it, I've been to support groups, and while they were all great and they absolutely help, they didn't do much to touch the guilt. But somehow, it's lifting. And I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.